Baby Hangover

What's with all of the baby action lately? It could be my age. It could be the fact that I have been married over 2 years. Whatever it is, it seems like everywhere I look there is something about babies. Having babies, dressing babies, insuring babies, pregnant women. Etc. Etc. There was a time when I was buying into all of it and I thought I, too, wanted a baby. But now, I am getting a little burnt out with it all. Going out to the bars until 4 a.m. never looked better to me. Am I rebelling against my maternal calling? I am not sure. Don't get me wrong, I think babies are cute and all and, of course, if Jake and I got pregnant it would be a happy thing. Here is a list I have created entitled very aptly "Baby Cons"

1. No more alcohol and caffeine. Now, while giving these things up for 9 months seems lengthy, yet doable, think of how long you will be breast feeding this child. Six, nine, maybe even 12 months. That's almost 2 years without any kind of drug. It may seem like a healthy thing, but for those of you who think I am an easy-going, fun girl to be around, you will see that it is just the caffeine talking. I can see how those three are easily replaced with sugar and McDonalds ...

2. No more "spur of the moment" road trips. Not that we took that many lately, but hey, now the option is gone.

3. No more uninterrupted nights of sleep. This one is also something that I cannot fathom. I need AT LEAST 8 hours of sleep a night to be presentable. Seems as though I will not be presentable for awhile...

4. Stretch marks. Enough said.

5. Breast feeding horror stories. Just the idea that there may be pain involved as well as a SuperSoaker-like stream that comes out is enough to make me squirm.

6. The labor. The entire thing weirds me out. We all know where the baby comes out, but have you ever really thought about it? I mean really thought about it. Why should I have to make something that big come out of me if I never tried to put anything that big in any hole in my body. I mean, that's why we have teeth to chew up our food into smaller pieces. So, because of the "tight space issue" they give you a thing called an epidural. What it does is all cool and good, but oh, by the way, they will be inserting a tube into your spinal cord with a huge-ass needle. Riiiiiight. The last part of the labor that has almost made me think about having no children at all is the whole defacation thing while in labor. I mean, the fact that doctors, nurses and whoever else is in the freaking room is looking at your hoo-hah in a spread eagle fashion is bad enough, but the chance that you take a dump in front of people while your at it, is just a little too much for me to handle. They really should tell this to girls to get them to abstain from sex. I will even make a special pamphlet for it.

7. Naming the baby. I always thought this would be an easy one, but there is a lot of pressure. What if you pick a name, and later find out it rhymes with some horrible word? What if you upset some relatives for not naming the baby after them? I also knew I was in trouble when Jake said he liked the name Constance. Connie? Uh, no thank you.

I think that is all the cons I can think of today ... that delays Baby Drlich's ETA at least a few months.