What the Books Don't Tell You ...

As most of your already know, I love researching. I should qualify that statement because I love researching only things that interest me. When I was 12 years old, and my family was going to Disney World, my dad bought a book entitled, “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About your Disney Vacation for Those that are Crazy Planning Freaks.” (Okay, maybe that is not what it was called, but you get the picture.) I took that mother and I read it front to back. I was a Disney World expert filled with information like: what time to get to the park to avoid the crowds, the features of all of the rides in Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and MGM, where to rest your aching feet, and maps of all three parks. I couldn’t get enough information! I loved to know what I was getting into, and I wanted nothing left for the imagination.

Fast-forward to my pregnancy. I was sure to read five different books about pregnancy, and that does not include all of the information on the internet. I spent many hours on the internet, days before I went into labor, asking women in chat rooms if this or that was normal. Plus, I logged in many hours of Discovery Health network programming, which not only provided me with useful stats, but I also visual references. By the time I made it to Lamaze class, I think I knew more than the lady teaching it. Freakish? Yes, a little. Necessary for my well-being? Absolutely.

In all of the excitement of the pregnancy and decorating the nursery, I seemed to have forgotten to read about what happens once the baby arrives. The first night we came home from the hospital, the baby was screaming hysterically, and we didn’t know what to do. I remember (barely) changing his diaper and whipping off his clothes and dirty diaper, throwing them over my shoulder. I was in a panicked haze.

The following days of the first week were the hardest days of my life. Sleep deprived and starving, I was freaking out that my milk hadn’t come in. All of the books tell you that it comes in 2 to 3 days after the baby is born. On paper, it is easy to understand, and I just sort of tucked it away in my tiny little brain. But, when it is actually happening to you, the fact that you are starving your newly born infant is terrifying. If I were to write a book, I would definitely highlight that point with lots of exclamation points and maybe some photos of a frazzled mom, with big bags under her eyes, huge breasts, and messy hair, and point out that a new mom may feel moments of pure terror and panic at the thought of your newly born child not eating enough.

While I had heard breastfeeding “wasn’t easy” it didn’t really equal to “hardest thing ever to do in your life.” I didn’t recall reading that mastitis (an infection in the breast) would make you feel like you were going to die. (I told Jake to “take care of the baby, because I think I am going to die tonight.” I am totally serious.)

Things started to get a little easier after that scary sleep deprived breastfeeding fiasco, and I got the hang of things. Abe was thriving and I was showered and dressed regularly. Then, Abe got sick. A sick baby is the scariest thing ever, in the whole entire world. Once again, no amount of literature was satisfying my mommy needs. Is he supposed to make that noise? What does this color of poop mean? Is this pattern of breathing normal?

Then, last night, I did the hardest thing that I have had to do since the beginning of his little life – sleep in another room. He moved into his Big Boy crib, and while I have a monitor in his room it is not the same. If I could set up a heart monitor, I would. Thoughts of him not breathing, choking on his spit up, or even just getting suffocated by his own blanket go through my head constantly. If I wasn’t so exhausted, I would not get any sleep at all. Once again, my little books of child rearing fail to mention the anxiety and stress over this stage in a baby’s life. What the heck? Am I weird?

I suppose the moral of the story is that books don’t teach you everything. I guess that is why there are grandmas, aunts, and friends out there that have been through this before. Mommy Power! I mean, they didn’t always have the internet and Discovery Health Network, and look how good we turned out. Whenever any of you blog readers out there get pregnant, I will tell you everything you want to know. Okay, maybe not everything … I think some things should be left for surprise.