The Lion, the Ozzie and the Cop Car

Last night, as Jake and I were lying in bed, I looked out the window and saw a cop car sitting between two houses across the street. The cop’s spotlight was beaming right at the back of one of the houses, which of course, set my mind running in all kinds of directions. Instantly, I start to plan my getaway attack from the armed burglar that is running rampant in our neighborhood. Jake didn’t really seem too bothered by the whole thing. I am sure it didn’t help that I was watching Law and Order: SVU. But, slowly I calmed myself down and assured myself that if Jake can sleep while an escaped villain is running amuck through our streets, then so can I.

The next day came around, and we decided to take Ozzie for a little walk. This is quite a feat, because Ozzie is not the best walker in the world. We know that we can get the best results from him when the least amount of people are around, and preferably no children in a 3-block radius, but we also like to walk during the daylight hours. He has been known to growl at little children, chase cars, turn completely around while we are still going forward, and my favorite, poop in the street. It’s like he becomes a crazy man with googley eyes as soon as we put that leash around his neck.

So, we start off our little jaunt slowly and allow him to get acclimated to our yard. Out of nowhere this lion comes walking toward us. Well, it wasn’t really a lion, it was a pure bred chow chow, and it straight up looked like a lion that hadn’t been brushed in, oh, say a year. The Lion had on a choke collar which only added to his gangsta-like presence. Meanwhile, Spazzy McGee is wiggling and squirming and doing that weird breathing thing he does when the collar gets too tight. We were wondering if it could have been Ozzie’s long lost father, and he just wanted to reunite with his son. He had traveled nights and days from the African plains to meet up with him, and here he was on Maple Leaf Court. Or, he just wanted to eat us.

Ozzie’s snarfing and all around embarrassing behavior did not stop The Lion. He didn’t seem phased at all and kept coming closer. This is when Jake and I started to become nervous. We tried to pull Ozzie away and divert attention before father and son could embrace in a doggie to Lion hug, or Ozzie would have to attack The Lion for not being the father he always needed.

Anyways, we made it out of the situation and The Lion had disappeared.

So, today, after my Stay At Home Mom activity of going to lunch in a cute outfit and picking up beard dye for the hubby, I ran into my next door neighbor, Jody (who is actually a real Stay At Home Mom, because she actually has children to look after.) We chatted it up neighbor style as I was bringing in the trash cans (am I painting a wholesome enough picture for you people). I had been meaning to discuss the cop car incident with her, because I knew that she would know all of the haps in the nabe (happenings in the neighborhood, it’s just SAHM jive for you “working folks.”) She started off the conversation like this:

”Has Ozzie been loose lately? The neighbors across the street thought they saw him wandering around the neighborhood.”

Say what? Of course he had not been loose, we are not crazy people. But, then, it dawned on me. He was being mistaken for The Lion, a.k.a. his estranged Fasha. This would not bother me so much, but apparently this Lion character is no good. Remember the cop car? That was for The Lion. They were trying to burn out his poor retinas because apparently he was acting “crazy like.” This, by all means, makes me feel a little better that there was not a serial killer preying on pregnant brunettes running around, but that means that our little doggie was being trash talked in our neighborhood! I had to assure Jody that Ozzie’s criminal record is squeaky clean, and while his hair is sometimes a little unruly, it has never looked as mangy as the Lion’s. No indeedy! I couldn’t believe our son’s name was being smeared around the neighborhood. I hope it doesn’t spread to surrounding areas. Now we definitely have to walk him when the sun goes down.

But, then, I thought that this could all be a part of The Lion’s plan. I knew that he was a no good father, but this was just too much. Ozzie has it heard enough coming from a mixed parents, but now this. This explains a lot.