What I Know For Sure (okay, I totally ripped that off from Oprah. SUE ME)

* Morning Sickness is more like “All Day Hell on Earth.” I know that it is pretty much common knowledge (at least for the readers of this blog) that morning sickness can last all day and strike at anytime, but no one really explained to me that it is constant throwing up and nausea. I likened it to being hungover without the relief of a nice, greasy Combo Meal. It was especially bad when my stomach was empty and I still kept throwing up.

*At some point, you won’t be able to put on your pants, tie your shoes or paint your toenails without some sort of assistance. Jake is pretty good at the first two, and we are still working on his toe painting skills.

* Whatever you think of constipations, does not even compare to what it's like during pregnancy. I think I will just leave it at that.

* You don’t have a “glow” you have acne and splotchiness.

* While feeling the baby move around is a miracle and a joy at first, it becomes irritating when he starts jabbing and kicking like a little Karate Kid. Mr. Miyagi would be very proud. My little boy will give Cobra Kai a run for their money.

* Sneezing = peeing a little bit.

* People that don’t know better will say, “Oh my GOD you are HUGE!” That is not very nice, but just a necessary evil.

* You will be awakened in the middle of the night by the most painful Charlie Horses you have ever had. It is nice to have a helpful, yet groggy husband (or Life Partner) to rub them out for you.

* Learn to sleep on your side early on. Trust me on this one. It makes it easier for you when you are so far along that it takes a crane to switch positions.

* You become obsessed with tall, curly haired celebrities who have very sexy voices. Okay, now maybe this is just me, but I have a newfound attraction to Vince Vaughn. Before pregnancy I already knew that I liked him and I found him to be cute, funny, etc. But now, I am obsessed with the man. I have dreams about him. I am starting to wonder if I have some sort of relationship with him, and if Jake is starting to think that I will be gone one day in pursuit of Vince Vaughn. (Consider that a warning.)

* (Coupling with bullet point above) Dreams are like crazy, real-life mini-dramas. I can’t tell you how many times I have woken up and said to Jake, “Last night I dreamed about … Oprah and Stedman, Vince Vaughn, birthing my child through my mouth …” you get the picture. Jake especially gets mad at me when I am angry with him from something that he did in my dream. “Bri, I did not cheat on you while you were at a gymnastics meet!” But, it just seems so REAL.

* I have a newfound respect for the Electric Light Orchestra. I don’t know what happened, but I heard them on the radio one day and it was like they were singing straight to my soul. Once I heard them once, I kept hearing them over and over again. Perhaps this is directly correlated to the Vince Vaughn attraction. Who knows? I am just chalking it up to hormonal reactions.

Just to be sure that people don’t freak out, I want you all to know that this will not happen to everyone during pregnancy. From what I have gathered, most people like pregnancy, and say that they have “never felt better.” God bless them. I also want everyone to know that this is all in good fun, and of course I know that all of the pain and gross stuff I go through is definitely worth the little hairy baby inside of me. I am secretly hoping that he will be a fan of ELO.