Tinder Tips for Divorced Women Over 30

Getting back into the dating scene is exciting, horrifying and frustrating all at once. When I am able to add any positive words to that list, I will let you know. I keep telling myself that all of my experiences are just good stories for my book. Right?

And, online dating is a reality of our times. FREE online dating is a reality of non-committal, poor folks like myself. Hence, Tinder. I'm not going to lie, it is highly entertaining, and also a good self-esteem boost. I also know for a fact that you can meet nice people on there -- it's not just filled with psychos and dirtbags. However, there are plenty of those on there as well.

I have joined and quit Tinder probably four times now, with my longest stint lasting one week. So, I am definitely no pro on the matter (or maybe I am). In any case, I have compiled this list to help anyone in my boat. I suppose it is most useful if you are 35 and divorced, but I am sure any single lady will relate. For those of you not in the know with Tinder-Speak "swipe left" means you don't like them, or "pass" on them.

So, without further ado, I swipe left if:

• You have too many car selfies. One car selfie is fine. I, for one, like a good car selfie for the primo lighting. But, if all of your profile pics are car selfies, it’s time to get some friends and create some action shots.
  
• Your name is weird. Normally I have no issues with names – but for some reason, with men on Tinder I do. Obviously if you made up a name like, “Givemeachance” it’s automatic swipe left. But I have a hard time swiping right on anyone named Kenny, Bobby, Geoff (I just keep reading it as Geeee-offf) I have no idea why. In real life, I would have no problem with a guy named Bobby, but in Tinder it's an issue.
• If you are a polygamist searching for another wife. That is a no-brainer, but I just had to add it, because that shit is real.
• If you are married looking for a FWB (friend with benefits). That’s another no-brainer, just felt I needed to add it to the list to state the obvious. 
  
•  If you are passive aggressively yelling at ALL women on Tinder in your profile. A lot of guys start off by saying that they have had enough of the “down boob” shots and “color run” photos. Or, the classic, I want to see a full-body shot, because they have been “catfished” Okayyyy. You are an asshole. BUH BYE.
• The face in your profile pic looks like you are about to cry or taking a huge shit. It’s not sexy.
• The face in your profile pic looks like you are about to kill me. This makes me think, you just might.
• Your selfie is a picture of you holding your phone up in a mirror. This tells me you are not good at technology.
• You have too many photos of you and your dog. I get it. You love your dog. You need friends.
• Shirtless selfie photo (especially if it is of you in the mirror). This is different than a candid photo of yourself shirtless. That is borderline okay, but I will let it slide because you did not take it of yourself.
• Bad hair. Bad hair can be a lot of things, but for some reason I have a hard time with the gel-ed, spiky, 90s style hair. No matter how attractive a person is. If you got bad hair, it’s a no go.
• The guys who are clearly gay, but do not know it yet. I have yet to meet a straight man who will wear a mesh crop top.
• The guys trying too hard in their profile write-ups. Apparently a lot of guys fancy themselves as sarcastic. I don’t really think that is admirable quality. Sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all.
•  If you are holding a gun in any of your photos. That is just my personal preference.
•  If you are holding a fish in multiple photos. I can deal with one fishing photo, max. That applies to other things such as Cross-fit, mountain climbing, and water-skiing.
• Having multiple photos where you are the only man in groups of sexy-looking women. Really? I bet you like to go to Hooters, and also smack women on the ass when they bring you something.
• You have a typo in your profile write-up. NOPE.com
  
• You are over 40, and your pictures look like they were taken with a real camera, developed with film. Call me Sherlock Holmes, but I am betting this means it is not a recent photo. You probably had to sign up for The Facebook just to create this account.

What am I missing single friends??