Big Mama is back on the treadmill

Yesterday, for the first time in more than ten months, I ran. Granted, it was only for five minutes, but by golly, I ran. And, let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. There were things moving around that I didn’t even know were loose. I felt that people in my gym were staring at me and wondering why I was attempting to run at all … the sheer sound of my feet hitting the treadmill was enough for heads to turn. And, while I was so proud that my pre-baby workout shorts fit me, I was not prepared for the fat girl wedgie that would ensue as soon as my first heavy stride hit the treadmill. But, I persevered. I clod hopped my way through five minutes of running, praying that my boobs would not fly off my body and hit someone in the face. I steadfastly pulled down my shorts when they constantly rode up.

I have come to the conclusion that my body is not my body anymore. I have surrendered to the fact that my body will never be the same as it was, but I didn’t realize that it would be a completely foreign being. I think I have lost all of my previous muscle, and I am not kidding. My legs, which I was so proud of, hold a shadow of the muscle they did before. Let’s not even talk about my abs, which were not very great to start with. Now, I have atrophied stomach muscles, and those that did stick around, were ripped in half from the ginormous baby that lived in my belly.

As I was stomping and heaving along during my brief run, I thought about how I am now so sympathetic to women that have had babies, and I also realized how bitter I was toward men. Damn you Maroon Five lead singer for never having stretch marks! (the thought occurred to me while listening to one of their songs). If you are a normal woman, and not Heidi Klum, your body goes through some crazy shit, and God bless those women that look good. Actually, it seems like most of the women I know look good after their babies -- including my mom. I am so impressed by her, she is a hot lady, and she had two babies! She wears bikinis at the beach! I don’t think I will ever be able to bear my abs again (not that I even was that excited to do so before). My stomach is so jacked up … stretch marks, excess skin, gaping belly button, discoloration … and I am convinced that I am the only woman in history that has all of these problems (kind of like when I thought that my morning sickness was going to last the rest of my life).

But, there are some positive aspects to all of this. First of all, the obvious, is Abe. He is worth a zillion stretch marks. Secondly, I think I definitely appreciate exercising a lot more. I actually wanted to work out, and enjoyed it A LOT! If only for having some alone time. And, it felt good to sweat a little bit. Thirdly, while my body may not be very pretty anymore, it sure has kicked a lot of ass. I can’t believe that it housed and fed a person. It’s like a freaking Holiday Inn Express! That is pretty awesome. I guess I don’t mind trading my body in for my baby. And, if I ever have enough money, I am totally getting plastic surgery.