On Turning 35

I have a lot of mixed feelings about turning 35. 

Let's face it, where I am in my life now is definitely not where I thought I would ever be. Being divorced and 35 was not a life goal of mine, and just thinking that thought sounded awful to me. AWFUL. Sort of like, “Who will want me now!? Divorced and 35. With two kids. And a dog. And foxes in the backyard.” No one. That’s what I thought.

But, then, once I got over that (because frankly, I have no choice, that's the way it is, and I need to move on from those soul crushing negative thoughts) 35 sort of got the birthday enthusiast in me excited, because well, 35 is sort of a “special” birthday. I guess meaning it is a multiple of 5, and aren’t those all special birthdays? I think there are special cards for those birthdays, so therefore, it is special.

But then I got sad again, because no one gives a shit about someone turning 35.

Then, I remembered a talk I had with my Gaga. She is 88. She was talking about how she tells my dad he needs to go on trips and travel and enjoy his life now, because when you get old, things hurt. You’re tired. You can’t do that sort of stuff as easily. She is right.

35 didn’t seem really so bad anymore.

Sure, I am in my mid-thirties now. But, I can still run 13.1 miles. I can still do cartwheels. I know all the words to the latest pop songs (maybe I shouldn’t admit that). I still have dance parties.

I mean, I can basically do all the things I did when I was 25, and now I have the wisdom to choose not to do half of the things I did then.

Last week, I had a moment. It lasted a few days and I basically chalked it up to "operating at a higher vibration." Or, maybe, being "in the zone" as my friend Angie Bermes Franco MD would say. It was almost as if my attitude, mindset, and my energy were humming along and producing ... wait for it ... positive thoughts. And this is what I thought (I wrote this at the time):

For the first time at a birthday, I feel like I have arrived at this point. Not just stumbled upon another year. Usually, birthdays from one year to the next, don’t feel different. But, it seems like for whatever reason I have been approaching this birthday. I think it could be just the timing and circumstances in my life. But, I have approached 35 much better and healthier than I approached 34. And just in that, I am so very grateful. I am so very grateful for a lot of things right now. Honestly, I am so happy I have made it through the shit storm that was my life. It feels like maybe the greatest accomplishment I have had to date.

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I have learned a lot about being brave. Honestly, I was sort of forced to be brave because being brave to me was just simply moving forward. I think I was forced to be brave when I didn’t really want to, so I can’t take all the credit. But I try to be brave all the time. and I think nothing will be braver for me then to fall in love again. And really, to love myself.

 "We love because we are human and it’s the closest we get to divinity. And heartache or heartbreak or whatever you want to call it is part of that story. So we get over it by getting out of the way. And letting life happen. And acting courageously even when it’s not in our nature."
-Meg Fee


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Sam took this picture of me last night (on my actual 35th birthday). I usually hate pictures of myself, and dissect them and see all of the bad things. But, I am being brave and posting this here. It's not a perfect photo, but I think it shows some joy. And, I want my kids to look at that picture and say- That's my mom at 35, and she looks pretty damn happy.  My smile is mostly due to the fact that I got so much love on my birthday. It was crazy, and I appreciate each and every birthday wish so much.

 Here's to 35.