Part Four: No one wants you anymore, Thy-ROIIIIDDDD

For all of the other parts of this lovely medical drama, please click on the links below. Seriously, minutes and minutes of reading pleasure.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three


Guess what everyone, I am alive! Isn't that fabulous? In fact, I am sitting at home watching Kathie Lee and Hoda. (Sidenote: OMG, how awful is Kathie Lee? How does Hoda even stand her? My eyes would be permanently stuck at the top of my head from rolling them so much. She is out of control. Also, it is amazing to me that NBC and Today allow this programming to go on the airwaves. It is totally ridick. But, then again, most daytime TV is totally ridick. TV Executives must think that if you stay at home during the day you are a batshit idiot. Okay, that is enough.)

So, it has been exactly one week since my surgery and I am feeling much better. I drove to a doctor's appointment today, and I am drinking coffee and eating normal foods and everything. I am on the road to recovery. I wouldn't say I am completely normal (which I will get to later), but doing all right.

The surgery went fine (as far as I can tell). And, right at the moment I thought I was going to have a panic attack, the 15-year-old anesthesiologist injected me with the drugs that knock you out. I guess I am now at the age, where any doctor that looks like they are in their 20s looks like a child. But, I think that it was also the vibe that this doctor was putting out. You know, he seemed like he liked to party and also liked to make up abbreviations and slang for words and use them in the OR. "I'm bouts to shoot this chick up with some tasty steesia," or something like that.

The moment I almost lost my shit was as I was walking into the OR. Just seeing all of the machinery and the lights and the people with masks, and McSteesia there freaked me out. Also, it didn't help that Alanis Morisette is playing on the radio. But as soon as McSteesia gave me the drugs I was out in two seconds flat. I woke up in some other room, and all I remember is hearing the nurse discussing Bachelor Pad and Vienna, so of course I felt the need to chime in. Keep in mind that I cannot even open my eyes and see straight, AND don't even watch Bachelor Pad, but I needed to comment on Vienna's "bad f-ing hair." Oh sweet Lord.

Apparently when I got to my recovery room, I told Jake this story multiple times. I am sure he was very amused by it.

The rest of my time in the surgery center went well, and I was the overacheiver of all recovering patients. All my vitals were great, I was up and moving, I ate oatmeal and pudding, etc. etc. I thought I had kicked this surgery's ass. I decided my thyroid's name was Aman-DUHHH. Because I hate it, just like Mike Dexter hates Aman-DUHHH. (see video below).




But, Aman-DUHH had some other plans for my body (that BITCH!) After a couple days at home, I started to feel weird. My hands and feet were feeling tingly and I kept getting these weird muscle twitches all over my body. I thought maybe I had just slept wrong, but then I saw that it could be a sign of calcium deficiency.

(MEDICAL EXPLANATION ALERT: So, behind your actual thyroid, there are glands called the parathyroid glands. These glands regulate your body's calcium, so they are very important. These glands were to stay in my body, but because they are so close to the thyroid sometimes they get a little traumatized during the surgery and don't work as well. They tested my calcium levels before I left the surgery center, and my level was fine. However, it could have been low for me, even if it wasn't considered a "low" level.)

To make a long story short, my personal doctor Angela Bermes Franco (I suggest everyone become friends with a doctor and then make them your personal doctor) called some of her other doctor friends and thought it  best I go to the ER to get some calcium. So, we go (during the Bears game, which I am sure was great for Jake. But, they did have a TV in the room), and I get some calcium and potassium infused into my body and we leave. Then I get all kinds of pills to take, one of which is the size of small cargo ship that I am required to swallow.

I am doing much better now. Aman-DUHH is really trying to make her absence known and is sort of wreaking havoc on my body, but I will try to fix that. I think it will be a while before I feel completely normal and I can workout and gallivant around like I used to, but I am just happy to be able to eat normally and sleep without a million pillow under my head.

I have been overwhelmed with all of the support and love that I got during my surgery (and even now) so thank you to everyone. I am a very blessed person to have a lot of people that care about my well being. And, if anyone ever has to go through this, please let me know and I will help you. My Aunt Joyce had this done and she was a very good person to talk to. (Thanks Aunt Joyce!!!!)

For now, this concludes the thyroid chronicles. However, that could change at any time.