Son of a ...

Do you remember that part in the movie “Dumb and Dumber” when Lloyd says to Harry:

“Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?”

And, then, he proceeds to follow through with his promise and produce the most annoying sound in the world. Well, last night I think Mr. Lloyd Christmas was topped, when I woke up at midnight to the most annoying sound in the world.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

And it didn’t stop. For an hour.

My first thought was fear that it would wake up the baby, because Lord knows I was tired, and earlier when I thought I had finally rocked him to sleep, he looked up at me with a toothless smile and wide open eyes that seemed to be saying, “This is the best game in the whole world! Make mama think I am sleeping, then surprise her right before she climbs into bed. BRILLIANT!” But, Mama needed to sleepies, so little Abe got to lay there and “play in bed a whole lot” (a quote taken from Robby when he was four on the Christmas Eve video, circa 1985.)

My second thought was that this sound was just in my head. I had a snoring husband on the right of me and a sleeping baby to the left. Why didn’t they hear it? So, I walked downstairs to see if my mom heard anything.

“Mom, do you hear that?”
“Hear what?” (Keep in mind that she listens to the TV at a decibel pretty close to the most annoying sound in the world.)
“That blood curdling sound that is sucking my will to live!”
“No, I don’t hear anything … it could be the heater.”

At this point I make her walk to the front of the house with me. We peak out the window. At closer examination, the sound appears to be the constant honking of a horn. I make my poor little mother go outside and check if it is her car (really, you never know). She comes running back inside and tells me that it is the truck across the street. The shady neighbor’s house. (Remember the Lion story? That is where the Lion came from. Why do all of my sleepless nights result from their house!?!?!)

“You can’t hear it when you are sitting in the back of the house,” she shrugged.
“Yeah, well, I can hear it in my bedroom, in bed, while I am trying to sleep.”
“Yeah, I’ll probably hear it when I go upstairs.”
“Well, good luck with that.”And I stomped up to bed, to the most annoying sound in the world.

As I was lying there (next to my sound asleep family) I was thinking that this sound would be great to use in torture. I was thinking of drafting a letter to George W. Bush to propose an ingenious low cost way to torture our prisoners. Then, I thought that maybe the reason the horn was honking was because someone was slumped over the steering wheel, dead. (Yes, that is where the most annoying sound in the world took my thoughts. See, great torture.) Those neighbors were shady (again, I revert to the Lion), it was possible.

I stared out the window at the truck, and the most annoying sound, and willed it to go away. PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IN HEAVAN AND ALL THINGS THAT ARE GOOD AND HOLY PLEASE STOP! It didn’t really work. I stared at my neighbor’s houses. Why didn’t they hear it? Why weren’t they calling the police? They called the police on a freaking dog! Why not this sound!!!!!?????

Then, the sound stopped. I heard the man come outside, start his car, and stop the sound. At least he was not dead, which was a good thing. Then, the sound started again. Then stopped. Ozzie growled. Baby whimpered. Jake snored.

Finally, some mother freakin’ relief.