Tales from a Hairless Wonder

Most people are under the impression that I have been blessed with the gene of not growing hair in places that most people have hair. I am not talking about my head or my eyebrows, I'm talking about my arms, legs and even armpits. Of course I grow arm hair, but not really that much, and it is pretty nice to not worry about shaving my legs everyday. Where is all of this information going, you ask? Well, I would just like you all to know that even the Hairless Wonder does not escape tragedy. Yes, that's right, the Hairless Wonder has sprouted some hair -- in my nose.

Like all normal people, I did not notice this until it was pointed out to me. Thankfully, my loving husband mentioned it one night as we were going to sleep. He whispered to me, "Uh, Bri, your nose hairs are really long." Whispered, I suppose, to keep our dog from knowing about his mother's embarrassing hair growth. Sure enough, I inspected my nose and just like and 80 year-old man, there they were. They might as well have been 3 inches long. I was horrified. I knew some drastic action needed to be taken. Luckily, my husband is obsessed with his hair and has an array of manscaping tools.

First, I tried the electric hair trimmers. Jake instructed me to be careful because "those blades are sharp." I suppose nose hair trimmers are made for some powerful hairs -- it's another breed in there. So, I give the trimmers a whirl. I figured that should do it for awhile, and it wouldn't be a daily activity. I mean, how often do those suckers need to be cut? But instead, a new horror washed over me. The nose hairs seemed to open a new can of worms. Maybe I have some other hairs that people won't tell me about. I imagined strangers at a party talking behind my back over the cheese dip.
"Hairless wonder," a man says. "Ha! Did you see those nose hairs?"
"Nose hairs?" his friend replies. "How about her moustache? I can't believe her husband let's her walk out of the house with a five o'clock shadow!"

No sooner than two days after the nose hairs were under control, I started walking past mirrors and seeing a little bit of dark shading above my lip. Maybe it's just a shadow, I thought. Yes, that's it, my nose is casting a shadow over my lip. The denial lasted for a few weeks until it was time to face the facts. At closer examination I had what seemed to be the starts of a pretty bushy stache. Something had to be done! Of course I couldn't go to a beautician. What if people see me there, my reputation as the Hairless Wonder would be ruined. I needed to keep that dream alive, at least for the sake of my children.

So, off to the Target face and body hair section. Which, by the way, is not easy to find. It must be the black sheep of the cosmetic family. When I arrived to its tiny nook nestled in the bottom of the facial cleansers, I pretended to be intently reading the ingredients of moisturizer, as to not draw attention to myself. A woman and her son were browsing in the aisle, incidentally right above the hair removal section. I needed to stall a little more. Finally, they turn to leave, but not without an odd look from the little boy. Had he never seen a mustached woman with nose hair stubble!?

I knew my time in there was going to be quick, get in and get out. I reached for the first Sally Hansen product I could find and threw it in the bottom of my cart. It seemed like the ride home took forever! I was ready to remove the hair once and for all and right away at that.

As soon as I got home, I opened the package and got started. It seemed easy enough from the picture, brush the white gooey stuff on and the hair will dissolve. Magical. I slathered it all on and in the meantime decided to read the instructions.
"Before you begin, apply solution to a small area of your inner arm and wait 24 hours. If no reactions occur, proceed with applying product to your face."
Hmmmmm. That can't be good. Visions of my skin eating itself went through my head. If I had to choose hair or skin, I would definitely go with the skin. At this moment my (now white) moustache was starting to burn. I quickly wiped off the face melting cream, and about two hairs came with it. My moustache went from brown, to white, to red, all in a matter of minutes. Was maintaining my Hairless Wonder status really worth it?

The answer, my friends, is yes. Being the Hairless Wonder has given people out there hope of a hairless future. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Meanwhile, I will be sporting a red moustache and some nose nicks until I find a suitable means to maintain my hairless reputation. I guess that's the price you pay for beauty.